Humorous Quotes
Section Editor Kevin L. Smith, RNC, MSN, FNP

Quotes to make you go "Hmm"

"Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right."     Henry Ford

"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."    -Derek Bok

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use."     Galileo Galilei

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure."     Mark Twain

"Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do."     Voltaire

"I am always ready to learn, but I do not always like being taught."     Winston Churchill

"Hide not your talents, they for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade?"     Benjamin Franklin

"A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on."     Carl Sandburg

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is therefore not an act, but a habit."     Aristotle

"There is more to life than increasing its speed."     Mahatma Gandhi

"We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it."     George Bernard Shaw

"No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes if for happiness."     Mary Wollstonecraft

"Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared."     Eddie Rickenbacher

Quotes to make you go "Hmm and Ha!"

"If all the students who slept through lectures were laid end to end, they'd all be a lot more comfortable."     Anonymous

"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."     Anonymous

Love thy neighbor as yourself, but choose your neighborhood.     Louise Beal

Efficiency is intelligent laziness.     David Dunham

"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?"     Anonymous

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die."     Mel Brooks

"Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism."     Anonymous

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together."     Carl Zwanig

"Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice."     Anonymous

"A steak a day keeps the cows dead."     Anonymous

"All general statements are false."     Anonymous

"The Earth is like a grain of sand, only bigger."     Anonymous

"If a problem has a single neck, it has a simple solution."     Anonymous

"Never draw fire; it irritates the people around you."     Anonymous

"Eagles fly; but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines."     Anonymous

"A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken."     Anonymous

"A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead."     Anonymous

"Take 20 aspirins and you'll feel better, if you wake up."     Anonymous

"Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye."     Anonymous

"A man's house is his hassle."     Anonymous

"Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep 'till noon."     Anonymous

"Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses."     Anonymous

"A little greed can get you lots of stuff."     Anonymous

"After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat."     Anonymous

"Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents."     Anonymous

"Relax. Only dread one day at a time."     Anonymous

"Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art."     Anonymous

"Beware the fury of a patient woman."     Anonymous

"The problem with reality is the lack of background music."     Anonymous

"Don't count your checks before they're cashed."     Anonymous

"Common sense isn't."     Anonymous

"Some authors should be paid by the quantity NOT written."     Anonymous

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."     Anonymous

"Be alert...the world needs more lerts."     Anonymous

"Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune time."     Anonymous

"Friends come and go but enemies accumulate."     Anonymous

"For every problem there is a simple solution, and it's always wrong."     Anonymous

"Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana."     Anonymous

"If you can't speak softly, just use the stick."     Anonymous

"Live long enough to be a problem to your kids."     Anonymous

"Those who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass."     Anonymous

"Gravity always wins."     Anonymous

Humor and Health Quotes

"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones."     Proverbs 17:22

"Humor is the good natured side of truth."     Mark Twain

"I couldn't be two faced. If I had two faces, I wouldn't wear this one."     Abraham Lincoln

"Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place."      Mark Twain

Updated May 8, 2000